Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.   While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.   Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.   To his amazement , a genie came forth.   This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.   Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!"   The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.   Simultaneously, the genie vanished.   Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.   Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.   After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick!   Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.   Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.   "Please Lord", he implored, "let it be blood!!"

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.   The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.   So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.   He tried to stand one more time; same result.   He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.   Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.   So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.   When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face.   He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.   When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.   This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.   He was awakened the next morning by his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"   Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"   "The pub just called, you left your wheelchair there again."

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.   An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.   "No," replied the Irishman.   "I've lost all me luggage!"   "How'd that happen?"   "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

GENIES:

As a man is having a drink in a bar, he sees another man enter with a cardboard box.   He sets the box on the bar and removes a miniature piano and a one foot tall man in a tuxedo.   The tiny man sits down and starts playing the piano.   "That's amazing!" says the first man, "Where did you find that?"   The second man says "In the alley behind the bar is a magic lamp, if you rub it a Genii comes out and grants you one wish."   So he runs out to the alley and finds the lamp.   He rubs the lamp and sure enough a Genii appears and offers him one wish.   "I wish I had a million bucks!"   Suddenly the alley is filled with a million ducks and the Genii disappears.   The man returns to the bar and asks the second man "What's going on?   I wished for a million bucks and I got a million ducks instead!"   "Well" says the other man, "You don't think I wished for a twelve inch pianist do you?"

Strolling along the beach a man notices a beautiful Rolls Royce surrounded by gorgeous women.   Sitting in the car is a man with a freakishly tiny head.   Being curious the stroller walks to the car and asks the occupant "I know this is rude and none of my business, but why is your head so small?"   The man in the car replied "About a year ago I was out for a walk on this very beach.   I found a fancy bottle and when I rubbed the sand off it a beautiful Genie appeared.   She told me I could have three wishes.   I always wanted to be wealthy so I wished for a billion dallars and POOF!, I had a billion dollars.   I'd never been lucky with women so I wished to be irresistably attractive to the opposite sex and POOF!, I was surrounded by beautiful women.   Having money and women I didn't know what else to wish for.   Finally I said to the Genie 'You're gorgeous, I wish I could have sex with you.'   She replied 'I'm sorry, it's against the rules.   Genii's can't have sex with mortals.'   So I said 'Well in that case, how about a little head?'"

PUNS ON STEROIDS:

A group of people are shipwrecked on an island.   They discover that it is home to a colony of Foo birds.   One day one of the women was walking on the beach when of Foo shit on her.   She wiped it off and immediately died.   This happens to each of the castaways as one by one they get shitted on, wipe it off and die.   Finally only one man is left and he resolves not to share the fate of his fellows.   In spite of his best efforts one day a Foo succeeds in shitting on him but he doesn't wipe it off.   For days the Foo droppings getting ranker and itchier until the man can no longer stand the smell and the itching.   In desperation he wipes it off and dies.   The moral of the story: If a Foo shits, wear it.

Ghandi's habit of going about barefoot made his feet very hard and tough.   His vegetarian diet left him weak and frail and caused chronic bad breath.   This made Ghandi a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

There once was a race of dolphins that could live forever, provided they had a steady diet of young seagulls.   They had exausted their supply and unable to travel over land they hired a group of men to travel to another sea coast and trap some birds for them.   The men set out, crossed the mountains and arrived at the other sea.   They collected hundreds of young seagulls and returned to the mountain pass.   Here they were stopped by two huge magnificent lions that would not let them pass.   They retreated to the village they had passed on the way and there hired a hot air balloon.   With this they were able to fly over the pass and the lions with their cargo.   Setting down on the other side they were immediately arrested.   The charge?   Transporting young gulls over stately lions for immortal porpoises.

An overworked scientist decided to make a clone of himself to help with the work.   Unfortunately the process did not work perfectly and the clone cursed and swore constantly.   The scientist quickly tired of the stream of obscenities and vulgarity and was getting even less work done.   He gave the clone some money and told him to go see a movie.   The clone went to the theater and took a seat in the balcony near a man with his wife and chidren.   The movie started and the clone began his cursing and swearing.   The family man said "Knock it off!   We're trying to watch the movie!"   The clone was silent for a few seconds before starting swearing again.   "Hey!   I've got kids here!" said the man "Don't make me warn you again!"   Again the clone was silent for a matter of seconds before the obscenities began.   The man got up from his seat and grabbed the clone.   They pushed and struggled and the clone was thrown over the edge of the balcony.   The man was arrested.   The charge: Making an obscene clone fall.

HOSPITALS:

A man wakes up in the hospital after a bad car wreck.   "Doctor", he says "I can't feel my legs!".   "Yes, I know." says the doctor.   "I'm afraid we had to amputate both of your arms."

As a reporter is touring a new hospital he sees a patient in his room furiously masturbating.   "What's up with that guy?" he asks his guide.   The doctor says "He has a rare condition that requires him to have an orgasm once an hour or he'll die".   In the next room another patient is receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.   "What's wrong with him?" asks the reporter.   "Same thing as the other guy.   He just has a better insurance plan."

A man wakes up in the hospital after a bad car wreck.   The doctor says "I have some bad news and some good news".   "What's the bad news?"   "I'm afraid we've had to amputate both of your legs." "My god!   That's terrible!   What's the good news?"   "There's a guy down the hall that wants to buy your slippers."

BUGS:

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity.   Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off.   Angrily the woman tosses it out the car window.   Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12 year old daughter.   The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks the pickup on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.   Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"   Not wanting to expose his twelve year old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."   The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?!!!"

ETHNICS:

I'll take shots at the Irish, they're my people.   Anyone else and it wouldn't be politically correct.   So for this section I'm using the generic term "ethnic".   Feel free to fill in the nationality or race of your choice.  

Did you hear about the Ethnic who....
...broke his leg raking leaves?   He fell out of the tree.
...broke his leg tap dancing?   He fell off the sink.
...lost his job as an elevator operator?   He couldn't learn the route.
...who's wife had twins?   He went looking for the other guy.

Three Ethnics were driving in the desert when their car broke down.   They decided to walk back to civilization and that each of them should take a piece of the car to aid in their survival.   One decided to take the radio, "for communications".   Another decided to take the radiator, "for water".   The last decided to take one of the car doors.   "What are you going to do with a car door?" the others asked him.   "Well, I figure if it gets too hot we can roll down the window."

KIDS:

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.   One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.   The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.   She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.   They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.   At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a check for one dollar.   The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.   When they got to the bank the teller asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.   The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week".   "My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"?   "I will if those useless c*ck suckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the f*cking 2 X 4's", replied the little girl.