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For those of you who may have missed past newsletters, here's your chance to catch up on what's been going on in the pub..... |
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Members of the Thursday night "social club" are asked to keep their chains and other paraphernalia in the storeroom when not in use and to avoid staining the pool table again.
Someone has started the rumor that we add salt to our potatoes. This is not true; we use only a time honored Irish recipe that does not include additives or spices of any kind.
Shane Mulligan is offering a $25 reward for the return of his glass eye, no questions asked.
Molly O'Connor and Finn Killian have been released from the hospital following the "incident" Saturday night. The doctor said their hair should grow back and Finn will be able to pee standing up in a week or so.
Don't forget: This Wednesday at 9:00 we'll be holding the semifinals for the Scotsman spinning tournament. Darby Murphy, the defending champion, is predicting he'll be the first to win three years running.
As many of you remember, Paddy Kirkpatrick appeared at last year's Holloween costume contest dressed as "a baby elephant". This is a reminder that showing up naked is not a "costume" and will not be permitted this year.
Due to increasing competition from other establishments we've been forced to expand our menu. We are proud to announce that you can enjoy our authentic Irish Boiled Potatoes in three very different ways. We still have the "Classic Boiled Potato" and we are adding the "Sliced Boiled Potato" and the "Boiled Potato on a Stick". Enjoy!
Shane Mulligan's glass eye was located when someone noticed that the moose head over the fireplace had one brown eye and one blue eye. Now we need to locate the moose's left eye. Someone keeps sticking a martini olive in the empty socket and it looks really creepy so if you know where the missing eye is please tell us.
Paddy Kirkpatrick's bachelor party was held at the bar last Saturday. Everyone had a good time in spite of the fact that Pat Kelly lost most of the money we had collected for the stripper in a poker game and had to hire a really cheap one. You get what you pay for and as you can see from the photo below she wasn't the prettiest lass we've had in the bar. We took up a second collection to pay her to put her clothes back on. Danny McCloed got really drunk and went home with her and now he's taking three different antibiotics and has to wear special underwear.  Congratulations to Brigid Donnely on winning this year's Halloween costume contest. Our guest judges awarded her first place for her "Mimi Bobeck" costume. Unfortunately Brigid had forgotten it was Halloween and wasn't wearing a costume and the judges didn't know that she always dresses like a Lithuanian circus hen and applies her make-up with a trowel. She punched one of the judges in the mouth and the whole place erupted into a brawl with witches and devils and zombies pummeling each other and laying about with pool cues and fake pitchforks. Two people got knocked into the tub of water we were using for potato bobbing and Ken Shaunessy got his head stuck in a half-carved pumpkin. A good time was had by all.
Don't forget to sign up to bring a dish for the potluck Thanksgiving dinner. Darby Murphy will be providing the turkey again this year and has promised to do a better job getting out all the buckshot. He wishes to apologize again to everyone who lost or broke teeth last year. We only have seven potato dishes at this point so we need more volunteers to provide spuds for the meal. We're asking Finn Killian to NOT bring a dish this year since the "ham" he brought last year had what looked like tire tracks on it and several people said it "tasted like chicken".
This year's "Toys for Tots" program has begun and already I see that I need to remind some of you that this is NOT "Toys for Tarts" and that personal massagers and rubber underwear should not be placed in the collection bin.
There's good news and bad news on the Moose head. The good news is that the missing eye turned up in the jar of pickled eggs. The bad news is that the wishbone from the Thanksgiving dinner has been lodged in his nostrils and I haven't been able to pull it out. The poor thing looks like he's dowsing for water with his nose. I'm asking whoever has been using the head as a prop for practical jokes to please stop. He's already been shot and decapitated, let's let him have a little dignity.
Darby Murphy has been banned from the bar for two weeks. After last week's snowstorm Darby stole the toilet seat out of the men's room to use as a sled on the hill behind the parking lot. Since there are a lot of trees on the hill and there's no way to steer a toilet seat no one was surprised when Darby's ride ended badly. The two-week ban is really a symbolic gesture since he'll be in the hospital at least that long recovering from the surgery to remove the seat.
You may have noticed that the pool table is missing. We had to send it out for repair and refurbishing. I don't even want to think about some of the items and unidentified substances we found inside the pockets. The only way to remove some of the stains on top will be to replace the felt and there was stuff stuck to the bottom of the table that made it look like an old prop from one of the "Alien" movies. When we get it back PLEASE refrain from placing drinks or food on the table. Also, it should go without saying that any activities involving the secretion or excretion of bodily fluids should NOT take place on the table.
Many of our male patrons are fond of boasting about their sexual prowess. Here's a news story to help put things in perspective: The United Kingdom's most proficient rodent, Sooty the guinea pig, first made news in the tabloids. It seems the determined guinea pig from Wales built his reputation in a single August night of debauchery. That's when Sooty snuck out of his cage at Little Friends Farm in Hopkinstown for a rendezvous with his girlfriends - all 24 of them. In a move that would make any stud thoroughbred proud, Sooty impregnated all 24 "girlfriends" in one night and 10 weeks later was left with 43 offspring. As an aside, Sooty, his keepers say, slept for two days straight after his wild night. This makes Ken Shaunessy's legendary night with the O'Loughlin triplets pale by comparison.
From what we've been able to piece together from our fragmented memories the New Year's party was a huge success. In spite of the hefty increase in the amount of alcohol consumed over last year only one of the commodes required a professional plumber and quite a few pieces of furniture were not destroyed. Only about half of our patrons spent the night in prison, another improvement over last year. Danny McCloed got pulled over for DUI a block from the bar and he was overheard telling the police "But I had to drive officer, I'm WAY too drunk to walk!". Maureen McMillan put in an appearance at the party dressed as "Baby New Year", wearing an over-sized diaper and nothing else. This would have been better received during the Great Depression when Maureen was still fairly young. The fact that she had forgotton her teeth didn't help matters any.
The Winter Solstice dance also went well. Shane Mulligan thought ahead and realized that dancing naked in the Oak grove in winter could be a chilly proposition for those of you without fur. Unfortunately his solution was to load himself up with plenty of "anti-freeze" before the dance. He staggered around for about half an hour (his idea of dancing) before heading into the woods to drain off some of the quart of Old Bushmills he'd drunk. We found him the next morning stuck to a tree...don't ask.
I'm offering a $50 reward for the return of the moose head. I'm sure it was on the wall when I locked up Tuesday, and Wednesday morning it was gone. I know it's not worth much but it has a lot of sentimental value. If you have it or know where it is please let me know.
It is with great sadness that I have to report the passing of Tommy McKinley. For those of you who don't know, Mr. McKinley was the retired gent that cleaned up the pub after-hours. He came to a rather violent end this weekend while cleaning the storeroom and I feel fully responsible. The last batch of Stout I made turned out flat so I doubled the amount of bottling sugar. Tommy was moving some cases around when the bottles started exploding. You're probably thinking he was killed by flying glass or had a heart attack but it wasn't so. When the first bottles went Tommy had a flashback to "The Big One" and thinking he was under attack by the German army began to return fire with his old service revolver. He had successfully taken out three cases when a stray bullet ricocheted off the boiler and hit him in the chest. He died the way he lived, pissed off and reeking of beer.  FEBRUARY 2001
The missing moose head has been located but since it's considered "evidence" we won't get it back until after the trial. Here's the story. Danny McCloed got drunk (again) and decided to rob a convenience store (again). Since the last time he got caught and convicted based on the store's security video he decided that some form of disguise would be in order. This is where the moose head comes in. Just before closing he took it off the wall and headed to the convenience store. Imagine the clerk's surprise when Danny blundered in wearing the moose head, peering out of the mouth and brandishing a pistol. It would have been the perfect crime had the antlers not gotten tangled up in a potato chip rack while he was making his get-away. The police found him ten minutes later thrashing around on the floor desperately trying to dislodge the antlers. Shredded potato chip bags and crumbled chips were flying in the air and they finally had to use tasers to subdue him. The guys on his cell block are trying to decide whether to call him "Chip" or "Moose".
We try to learn from our mistakes so we're making some changes in our plans for Valentine's Day. Not many people last year could bring themselves to drink the red beer, those that did found how startling red food coloring can be when visiting the restroom. Our apologies again to Ken Shaunessy who had so much red beer that he didn't remember drinking it and thought he was dying when he went to pee. Speaking of which most people thought the heart shaped urinal cakes were in poor taste so we'll be leaving those out too. Also, because of the lawsuit Cupid won't be carrying any actual arrows this year.
The pool table was back all of three days when we had to transport both it and Paddy Kirkpatrick to the emergency room so they could get his arm out of one of the side pockets. I have to remind you all again that if you scratch the cue ball WILL come back out. You don't have to make a mad grab at it as it goes down a pocket. I have to confess we did make quite a sight driving down Main Street with the table tied to the top of Shane Mulligan's station wagon. Paddy was yelling obscenities at us as he tried to stay on top of the table and finish his beer at the same time.
The graffiti in the men's room has reached critical mass again so I'll be painting over it this weekend. If any of you have phone numbers or favorite bits of verse you want to save copy them now. The first thing to go will be that offensive drawing of Linda Tripp and her "hidden microphone" in the third stall. MARCH 2001
Hindsight being what it is I suppose I should have realized that bringing a live groundhog into the bar would be a bad idea. When Pat Kelly tried to take it out of the cage to see if he would see his shadow it immediately ran up his arm, crapped all over his shirt and bit him on the nose. Alarmed by Pat's screams and curses it ran down the bar, spilling drinks and knocking over ashtrays. There's nothing quite like a bar full of rowdy drunks trying to catch an oversized frightened rodent that doesn't want to be caught. Two hours later the groundhog was back in his cage. We had four people requiring a total of eighteen stiches, five that are receiving rabies shots, two with broken bones and one concussion. Shane Mulligan's glass eye is missing again, I think the groundhog swallowed it. Next year Groundhog's Day will NOT be observed.
The Valentine's Day celebration was much quieter but still eventful. Many of the people who arrived as couples actually left with the same partners. We had at least three new romances start and only five break-ups. Tim Flannery accidentally had two dates and it was like watching an old "Three's Company" episode. Tim had one woman in the main bar and the other in the backroom and was dividing his time between them until they met in the restroom and started comparing notes. Minutes later they dragged him out to the parking lot and beat the tar out of him. Then they went home together. Bridig Donnely had way too many wine coolers and thinks she might be pregnant. She's pretty sure the father is "some Irish guy".
It's time to start sign ups for the spring dart tournament. Giving a bunch of drunks a handfull of little pointy objects to throw across the room is probably a worse idea than the groundhog, but the tournaments are REAL popular so we're doing it anyway. Contrary to rumor, there will be no bonus points for "dinging" your opponents or scoring hits on the moose head. Please throw darts ONLY at the dartboard and ONLY when no one is standing in front of it.
Speaking of pointy objects, the "Boiled Potato on a Stick" will no longer be served due to the number of incidents and accidents reported involving the sticks. To fill the empty spot on the menu I'm introducing the new "Crinkle Cut Boiled Potato". Enjoy!
APRIL 2001
The police returned the moosehead since Danny McCloed pleaded no contest on his armed robbery charge and they didn't need it for evidence. We had it back on the wall for three days before it had to go back to the evidence room. We were two hours into the St. Patrick's Day party when a stray dart hit the moose on the nose. This caused a small puncture in the 1 kilogram plastic bag of cocaine that had fallen down inside the head while in the evidence room. For the next several hours a fine stream of high grade coke from the moose's nose dusted the hair, clothes and drinks of everyone who walked by. The stuff that hit the floor was tracked from one end of the bar to the other. Everyone was having a wonderful time when officer McNutt stopped by to wish us all a happy St. Pat's day. Unfortunately he was accompanied by Shnozz, the department's drug sniffing dog. Everyone in the bar was arrested, myself included. It didn't take long to sort out what happened but we all spent a night in jail and the moosehead is once more in the custody of the police.
Since the St Pat's party was cut short we had a large quantity of green beer left over. Putting it on sale for half price on the night of the Equinox dance was probably a bad idea since everyone ended up a lot drunker than usual. Almost everyone got lost in the woods and we still have three people missing. Mary Sexton is claiming she was abducted by aliens and Paddy Kirkpatrick says he was tied up by Leprechauns and "probed".
It turns out that Brigid Donnely is not pregnant. This should come as good news to quite a few of the lads that were in attendance at the Valentine's party. I've talked to no less than four men who were afraid they were a DNA test and a shotgun away from fatherhood. As a public service there is now a jar at the end of the bar containing free condoms. Please people, fornicate responsibly.
We've had a long standing rule against people bringing liquor in from outside the pub. Finn Killian tried to sneak around this and had a bottle of scotch hidden in the ceiling tiles in the bathroom. Last Wednesday he was standing on the commode having a nip when he slipped, lodging his foot in the commode. He fell backwards against the stall door, knocking himself out and dropping the bottle on the floor. We heard the crash and rushed to investigate. Finn weighs about 300 lbs. and we were unable to get the stall door open to rescue him. We had to call the Fire Department who used the Jaws of Life to remove the door. Then they had to break the commode to get his foot out. So if you go to the bathroom and notice that the second stall looks like it had been targeted by international terrorists, that's why.
MAY 2001
For the third year in a row the group responsible for boiling and coloring the Easter eggs got drunk and the job was only half done. Needless to say that when people started cracking open their brightly colored eggs we had a bit of a mess on our hands. It wouldn't have been too bad if they hadn't started throwing them at each other. It took me six hours to locate and clean up all the shells and raw egg that was strewn from one end of the bar to the other. Tim Flannery went home and passed out before taking a shower and since raw egg is "Nature's Glue" he was forced to shave most of his head and one eyebrow. This is poetic justice since he was part of the group that was supposed boil the eggs in the first place. And in case anyone asks, Ken Shaunessy isn't sick, he just accidentally drank some of the food coloring intended for the eggs and has a temporary case of " Smurf Tongue".
Speaking of eggs, after the experience with the cocaine we really should have checked out the moosehead when we got it back from the police evidence locker. Since we didn't we were unaware that a female python that was evidence in a pet store robbery decided to use the head as a nest to lay her eggs in. We put the moosehead back over the fireplace where the eggs were nicely incubated and sometime overnight last Thursday they hatched. We had fifteen one-foot long baby Burmese Pythons hiding in the pub Friday night as patrons started arriving to unwind for the weekend. We first became aware of the snakes when one of them slithered up Molly O'Connor pant leg, apparently looking for a mouse. Molly's shrieks broke three glasses and a window and she actually jumped completely over the pool table and landed thrashing around on the floor. We all thought she was having a fit until the snake poked its head out of the top of her jeans. Five men fainted dead away. The noise roused the python's siblings and we discovered we had a plague of snakes on our hands. Darby Murphy stood in a booth screaming prayers to St. Patrick to drive the snakes from the pub but it was actually Animal Control that finally arrived and corralled the serpents. We know from the number of empty shells in the moosehead that we started with fifteen babies and Animal Control found twelve so anyone spotting the others please let us know.
Tryouts for the spring softball team start Wednesday night. I don't know why we bother with tryouts; anyone with a pulse will make the team. Last year was our third straight perfect season, no wins and ten losses. The third game was particularly sad, we lost 0 to "a shitload". And that was against the Springhurst Retirement Home's "B" team. Not that this is too surprising, we Irish aren't known as great athletes. About all we're good at is drinking and fighting, which makes me wonder why there aren't more Irish hockey players. We do have a good time at the games and since no one expects to win we're never disappointed at the outcome. So even if you don't want to embarrass yourself on the field be sure to come out and support the team by swearing at the umpire and drinking too much.
JUNE 2001
The odds of being struck by lightening are usually pretty low but there are ways to increase them as Pat Kelly and Darby Murphy discovered early in the month. They were at the pub arguing over who was handier with the ladies, in spite of the fact that neither of them has gotten laid this millennium. The argument got heated and I made them take it outside where they engaged themselves in a duel... with car antennas... during an electrical storm. When the bolt hit Pat was thrown into the bed of Ken Shaunessy's pickup and Darby ended up in the Oak tree at the edge of the parking lot. We never did find his pants. Both men are out of the hospital. Pat doesn't remember the fight, or anything after 1997 for that matter. Darby seems to be OK although he still smells like roast pork no matter how many showers he takes.
Last week's cold snap forced us to hold the 3rd annual Chili Cook-off indoors. Here's a recipe for disaster: Take three dozen Irishmen used to eating nothing more exotic than potatoes and corned beef. Add eleven pots of chili consisting mainly of beans, onions and hot spices. Marinade with liberal quantities of domestic and imported beer. Gather the resulting mixture around a roaring fire. Oh sure, it's all fun and games until someone sets their ass on fire or blows some bricks out of the fireplace. Shane Mulligan became the second person in two months to fly completely over the pool table. Since it's impossible to play eight ball on scorched felt the table is once again out for repairs.
The newly formed Tiki's Pub Pipers had their first practice interrupted Tuesday night. They were halfway through a spirited rendition of "Scotland the Brave" when a woman walking by the pub heard them and thought we were deep-frying cats without anesthesia. She immediately called the police and officer McNutt soon arrived with three members of the Humane Society in tow. We've agreed to post a sign outside the pub during practices so people will know that bagpipes are being played and no animal atrocities are being committed.
Last week's softball score:
JULY 2001
Molly Kirkpatrick showed up Saturday night to find out why her husband Paddy was drinking beer and shooting pool at the pub instead of being at home taking care of her. Molly was chasing him around the table and attempting to smack him with a cue stick, and being about fourteen months pregnant the inevitable happened. When she went into labor we put her on the only flat and relatively clean surface we had. The side pockets made dandy stirrups. Molly was in labor for an hour and spent most of the time inventing new and creative ways to tell Paddy what a bastard he was, usually in Gaelic. They had planned on natural childbirth which is what they got, although it's debatable how natural you can be with a Miller High Life sign over your head and blue chalk on your ass. They had a healthy baby girl, Erin Marie, 7-lbs. 3 oz. The table is out having the felt replaced, again.
At the behest of our insurance company we will no longer be serving flaming drinks of any kind. We've had a few close calls in the past but two weeks ago Mike Jennings nearly burned the place down. I really should have known better than to serve a "Flaming Nipple" to a man with a beard. Mike had already been hitting the whiskey pretty hard so his hand to eye coordination wasn't the best. He got the glass two inches from his mouth and dumped the contents into his beard. For those of you who haven't seen it Mike's beard has not been shaved or even trimmed since Adam's first date with Eve. Rumor was that there were several small creatures living in it. Mike panicked and stampeded around the bar yelling for someone to put him out. Shane Mulligan chased him for several minutes with the fire extinguisher before cornering him under the moose head and dousing the fire. He then had to turn the extinguisher on the moose head, which now has a bare patch between the antlers. Mike suffered only minor burns but he did have to shave off what little was left of his beard.
Danny McCloed is now making little rocks out of big ones as a result of his armed robbery conviction earlier this year. We've set up a donation box for anyone wanting to send him items to make his time in prison easier. So far we have twelve cartons of cigarettes (they're like money in there), three soap-on-a-ropes, assorted girlie mags and a tube of lipstick (very funny). Since he didn't actually get out the door with any money and had forgotten to load the pistol we're expecting him to be out in a year or so.
THIS MONTH'S SOFTBALL SCORES:
AUGUST 2001
The best tattoos have stories to go with them. Last Wednesday Shane Mulligan and Darby Murphy got drunk and decided to drive around town mooning innocent pedestrians. They had just crossed the intersection of Hill and Randal when Shane dropped a lit cigarette in his lap. While thrashing around desperately trying to retrieve the cigarette before it set fire to his family jewels he leaned on the power window control buttons and began closing the rear passenger window. Unfortunately Darby was in the process of mooning a group of nuns and found his posterior trapped in the closing window. He screamed at Shane to open the window and since Shane was already in a state of panic over the cigarette he promptly stepped on the brakes and stalled the engine. Anyone who has ever ridden with Shane knows that once his car dies it'll be hours before the engine cools enough to re-start. So here was Darby in a stalled car with his naked butt stuck in the window in front of a group of thoroughly scandalized nuns. All this in front of a tattoo parlor. The nuns pooled their money and made a deal with the shop owner. Darby now has the Lord's prayer extending over both cheeks in a very flowing ornate script within a border of Celtic knots. Amen.
Our annual 4th of July celebration was a huge success. We all made pigs out of ourselves on BBQ and fixin's out in the parking lot. As soon as the sun went down people started unloading boxes of illegal fireworks smuggled in from out of state. The bottle rocket war got under way as four teams zinged rockets at each other with PVC "bazookas". As usual things quickly escalated as they started using Roman Candles and skyrockets. The war ended when one team accidentally hit a box of fireworks and we all evacuated the parking lot until the explosions ended. We set off a total of around 200 pounds of fireworks but the grand finale was when Finn Killian set his own car on fire while lighting fountains on the hood.
Patrons have already donated a dozen wigs of various styles for the moosehead who lost a patch of fur during last month's beard fire. I was hoping for something reasonably close to the color and length of the moose's hair but none of these is even close. I've decided to just rotate the wigs out on a weekly basis. This week he'll be sporting a blonde pageboy that really sets off his cheekbones.
Speaking of the beard fire I needed to come up with some new drinks to replace the discontinued flaming drinks. The "Jelly Bean", "Flaming Nipple" and the "Toasted Martyr" are being replaced with the "Potato Famine", the "Irish Icicle" and the "D.W.I.". The "Potato Famine" is water from our boiled potatoes with vodka. The "Irish Icicle" is a shot of Bushmill's with a shot of peppermint shnapps. The "D.W.I." is a double shot of Everclear served with your car keys. Enjoy!
Softball Scores: On the bright side, the season's over.
Once again we held on tenaciously to last place throughout the softball season. Our shining moment came in the third game when for the first time we scored more than a single run against an opponent. In all honesty I have to say we probably wouldn't have made that second run if Tim Flannery hadn't slipped a bat between the spokes of the shortstop's wheelchair. The league's sponsors are getting very creative with the last place trophy. This year it features a player holding a bat by the wrong end with his head up his ass. We've placed it on the shelf over the bar with the other five last place trophies.
Newcomers to the pub won't know Tommy McKinley who used to clean up around here and was killed in a freak accident back in December. To no one's surprise people have started claiming that his ghost is haunting the pub. Also to no one's surprise most of the "occurrences" have been reported by patrons too drunk to sit on a bar stool. Not that I'm a disbeliever in supernatural events, but I would like to point out three things. First, the "cold spot" is immediately under the air conditioner, you figure it out. Second, the "mysterious vapors" coming from the backroom appear to be cigarette smoke. And third, the "unearthly noises" coming from the men's restroom are caused by plumbing that's past it's prime, both the building's and our patron's.
Some very strange things have turned up in the lost and found over the years. Some very "personal" items have been turned in, wigs, false teeth, even Shane Mulligan's glass eye. But how anyone can leave a bar and forget to take his leg is beyond me. I was cleaning up after closing last Thursday and came across the leg in the booth by the pinball machine. I wasn't aware that any of our patrons had a false leg and I don't remember anyone hopping out the door Thursday. So if anyone reading this is wondering where their leg has got off to, it's behind the bar.
The pool table is back again, all cleaned up after Molly Kirkpatrick had a baby on it. I've added it up and the table has actually been in the bar a total of five weeks this year. I'm hoping nothing further will happen to it and we'll actually be able to play some pool.
OCTOBER 2001
I was talking to one of our Canadian patrons the other night and he was telling me about the trouble the Royal Canadian Mounted Police had in coming up with a slogan. They had decided on "We always get our man in the end." when someone pointed out what an unfortunate choice of words that was. Especially for a group informally called "mounties". They went for the shorter version: "We always get our man." I think he made the whole thing up but it got me to thinking, the sign out front needs repainting and it would be nice if the pub had a slogan. Anyone with suggestions feel free. There might even be a sizeable reduction in the bar tab for the person suggesting the slogan we use.
Speaking of bar tabs Shane Mulligan paid his off by suckering a newcomer to the pub with a couple of bar bets. Shane bet the guy $200 he could bite his own eye. The guy took the bet and Shane removed his glass eye and bit it. The guy was pretty pissed so Shane offered a double or nothing bet. He claimed he could bite his other eye. The newcomer knew Shane wasn't blind and couldn't have two glass eyes so he took the bet. Shane took out his false teeth and bit his good eye. I lost a new customer but at least the $400 tab is paid.
Finn Killian has become the first person in the bar's history to hit himself in the back with a dart. Finn was playing in the tournament and had had a lot to drink, even for him. He had thrown his three darts and walked up to the board to total his score. He had just realized that there were only two darts in the board when the third finally worked it's way free of the ceiling fan where he had thrown it. Fortunately the fan was on low so the dart wasn't travelling too fast when it hit him. He was back from the emergency room in time for the quarter-finals.
I'd like to propose a toast to all those who lost their lives in the terrorist attack on 9/11, and to their families and freinds. May the bastards responsible roast in hell!
NOVEMBER 2001
The Halloween party was a huge success and involved only a few trips to the emergency room. Paul O'Loughlin got a little too enthusiastic while bobbing for potatoes and bit down hard enough to get the potato lodged in his mouth. The doctor had to slice it up with a scalpel to remove it. It's the only time I can recall Paul being speechless. Liam Riley came up with a creative costume he called "Osama Bin Laden with a Cruise Missile up his ass". He might have won first prize but before the judging could start he forgot that he had a highway cone strapped to his butt and tried to sit down. That was emergency room trip number two. For the second year in a row the costume contest was won by Brigid Donnely, who had once again forgotten to wear a costume. The last trip to the emergency room was caused by an unfortunate incident involving a very drunk Pat Kelly (who was trying to enter the pumpkin carving contest) and Darby Murphy (who was dressed as a pumpkin).
In a related Halloween story I'm now convinced that Tommy McKinley's ghost is indeed haunting the pub. The morning after the party I found three sure signs of Tommy's presence. An entire case of stout in the storeroom had been drained, two well-worn issues of "Whoppers" were lying behind the bar and there was a lump of ectoplasm in the third stall that took four flushes to go down. I'm a believer.
Sign ups for the Thanksgiving potluck supper are posted in the backroom. We've also posted a short list of people who are expressly forbidden to bring or help prepare food. Anyone who attended last year's dinner will understand why.
Last month I asked for suggestions for a pub slogan. Here's a sampling of what I got:
DECEMBER 2001
The Thanksgiving dinner went rather well this year despite a few problems. Tim Flannery had volunteered to bring one of the turkeys but didn't know that they had to be defrosted before cooking. Fortunately there were two other birds that were actually cooked so no one had to eat turkey sushi. Green bean casserole is usually a very easy dish to make but Kathy Hardin managed to ruin hers by using too much chili powder. I don't know where she got her recipe. Finn Killian ate so much he actually popped a button off his shirt. Since the button was never found I think it may have accidentally been eaten.
Paddy Kirkpatrick and Liam Riley decided we should have a Solstice tree this year so they stole a large Scotch Pine from the city park. They had set it up in the backroom and had it half decorated when the tree's resident raccoon woke up and bit Liam on the hand. In a scene almost identical to the "Groundhog Incident" in February the bar erupted into chaos as drunken patrons tried to capture the panic-stricken raccoon. A fair amount of damage was done to the bar, the furnishings and the patrons. At one point we somehow managed to lose the raccoon. After a two hour search we finally called Animal Control, who quickly found him sleeping on top of the moosehead. He was safely returned to the park. Paddy and Liam were fined $500 for stealing the tree. Liam is undergoing a series of Rabies shots.
Danny McCloed is up for early parole and is requesting that we send some letters of recommendation to the parole board. I have a word of advice to those of you wanting to send a letter. Don't lay it on too thick. The board is not going to believe that a man convicted of robbing a convenience store using a moosehead for a disguise is a model citizen or a paragon of virtue. I'd suggest keeping it simple and tell them he's basically decent and harmless. You know, lie, but no whoppers
JANUARY 2002
On the night of the 24th an unknown perpetrator vandalized and then tried to break into the pub. The roof tiles were cut in two places by some kind of metal blade. In addition animal droppings were scattered over the roof. The vandal apparently tried to enter via the chimney but was thwarted by the fire burning in the fireplace. Pieces of scorched red fabric and white fur were found on the hearth. Police are on the lookout for a singed Polar Bear in a Cardinal's robe. Unfortunately the incident must have scared off Santa, who didn't show up this year.
The Solstice Dance was very short this year due to the sub-zero temperature. The men suffered "shrinkage" to the point that some of them turned into "innies". The women had the opposite problem, Mike Jennings danced too close to Molly Kirkpatrick and got his arm cut by one of her nipples. This year's theme: Putting the "ice" back in "Solstice".
Next Wednesday we will be holding a memorial service for the millions of brain cells killed during the New Year's celebration. Tiki's Pub Pipers who were performing their first live gig provided the music. As a result of their many hours of practice and our advanced state of inebriation some of their pieces sounded vaguely musical, sort of. We've heard quite a few "Morning After" stories but two deserve special mention. Pat Kelly woke up on an inflatable raft in the city reservoir. He now has a tattoo on his left cheek of Janet Reno and the words "You da man!" On the other hand Ken Shaunessy woke up safe and sound in his own bed. Unfortunately the bed was in a boxcar on its way to Boise. He found a waffle iron and two vibrators under his pillow.
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